Back at work

This was the post I started on Monday at work:

“Not too bad

My first day back is quickly drawing to a close. It wasn’t as bad as I thought but I did miss the heck out of that boy! Luckily, I was busy and the day really did fly by. I got about 4 ½ hours of sleep but all of my list making and planning paid off. I made it to work 10 minutes early so I could find the mother’s room at work and settle in. I brought pictures of my lil guy to have at my desk. Before I left for work, I walked the dog (put the baby in the swing and turned on the monitor for Pete to get him if needed), ate breakfast, pumped, showered, got ready, brought my lunch and was on my way. I hope every morning goes as smoothly. Luke spit up as I was changing him but he managed to not get it all over me resulting in an outfit change, so Yay Luke.”

It’s now Wednesday during my lunch and I am grabbing a few minutes to update.

As of Monday night I felt GREAT but tired. This going back to work thing is a piece of cake. No problem once we get the sleep thing figured out. Ha.

As of Tuesday on my way home, I noticed a pregnant woman sitting near me on the train and I felt pangs of…I’m not sure. I was missing Luke so very much at that moment and missing having him with me at all times like when I was pregnant. Don’t worry, I’m not ready to get pregnant again but at least when he was inside me, I knew I was protecting him and he was safe. As much as I trust and love our nanny, it’s not that same sense of knowing he was safe at that exact moment. I’ve been so used to having him with me about 99.9% of the time for the last 12 weeks, it’s a bit of an adjustment to not be able to turn my head and see him there. Yes, I have pictures of him with me at work, but it’s not the same – obviously.

So, yes, I am missing him. I expected I would and its intensity changes throughout the day. Luckily I’ve been really busy at work so I haven’t had tons of time to obsess over him.

At the same time, I feel selfish for being glad that I’m back at work. I was worried that some maternal hormones would make me dread coming to work again and want to be at home with him every minute. I like the normalcy of coming to work. I like knowing a certain series of event will happen in a certain order. I am not afforded that luxury when home with Luke. As he gets older, I’m sure things will be even more unsure of if/when they happen. I like knowing when I get to my desk I can turn on my computer, pour myself a cup of coffee and read my email uninterrupted. I enjoy working on things and the sense of accomplishment I feel. I like hearing from colleagues that I was missed. But I also can’t wait to get out the door at the end of the day.

This week is tough and I need to find a way to get better sleep and get everything done that needs to be done each day. I’m sure we’ll start to develop a routine of what needs to be done each night and what needs to be done each morning. The hard part is sticking with it. I need to make sure I get to work on time – or early so I am able to leave on time every day…to get home to my darling baby boy!